Kanye, you're off the Island.

Every man should have a watch. Every single male aged 18 years or older. No matter Velcro or gold, silver or plastic, just having a watch tells the world oh so subtly: “Here I am. Look at me. I give enough of a fuck to know the time, which is a lot more than you non-watch-wearing-fools.” Pretty important, eh?

Wearing a watch serves many purposes. Want to look like James Bond? Put on a watch. Want to date a girl two leagues above you? Put on a watch. Want a real people job that pays real people money? Wear a nice fucking watch to the interview. It should be noted that doing so has been scientifically shown to increase the possibility of employment by 145.67283%. Staggering, I know. But science never lies.

The reason behind this mind-boggling statistic is that simple fact that wearing a watch speaks leaps and bounds of potential elitistism. People like potentially elitist people, so long as the individual is not a confirmed elitist. Being a potential elitist says “I’ve got my shit together; I know what time is it.” Being a confirmed elitist says “Hey, I’m a dick. Can I blow my nose on your Oxford, and yes, I know that only pretentious douches call buttondown shirts Oxfords, while you tell me what time my watch says?” What makes one a confirmed elitist? Buying a watch that is two footfields out of one’s spending range and claiming to have a “couple more just like it.” The exception to this rule is the rapper. I don’t why having a watch that is solid gold and the size of three half-dollars encased in precious stones is on the “Must Have to be a Dope Rapper” list but that shit is just ignorant.

Rappers aside, having a watch is enough to prove you know it is there. But merely having any old watch is not enough to get you into the “Association,” a borderless, unstated, hundred million plus member, Fight Club-level-secret cabal. A fucking cabal I tell you. But rappers aren’t allowed in, with the exception of Jay-Z and Diddy, both Eminem and 50 Cent are potential members as well. It’s not a race thing though, it’s a douchey thing. For instance, Kanye West. He was a member, an almost-visionary, but his fall from grace has been far. Not since his little “let’s take the mic away from a scared little blonde girl so that he can show the world the wack job his barber did" has he been heard from. Twitter judged him guilty and then he was gone, banned for life no matter how snazzy a watch he buys. Jackass.

Last I heard, at any one moment, 254,342,986 people are checking their watches. They’re all in the Association. Not enlightened yet? Look at all the famous people in history, they’re all wearing watches. Even Julius Caesar wore a blinged out marble sundial. Rick Ross ain’t got shit on that. Promise. And don’t go saying Jesus was watchless because we all know that just isn’t true.

And so here I am, standing at the watch counter, trying to decide and my phone buzzes. It’s my best friend asking me what happened last night. I sent him back a message that read:


(416): I saved $70 from being too drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy myself a new watch, but Enterprise is going to have to pick me up because I’m too high for this