Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Case of the Missing Saturday

Did you all know that last week only had six days? Seriously. It started out all the same, with Monday and whatnot, but right near the end, right where Saturday was supposed to be is nothing but blankness. Yes. Blankness.

It all started out last Friday night, see. I had to babysit these four kids from 5 in the pm to midnight or so. Best way to spend a Friday night, ever. So naturally Saturday, that holy first day of rest and nothing, was to be my personal salvation. Four children is a lot of children you say? I know, but I needed the money and they turned out to be very well behaved. Like really, it was madly impressive. In any case, they have nothing to do with the rest of the story. The only reason I mentioned them is because I was at their house when I got the news that my buddy had dropped off a couple baked goods for my girl and I. This was good news on a bad Friday night. The prospects of my Saturday just seemed to glow after that.

Then Saturday came. Then it went. Seriously, it like, just went. My girlfriend woke me up with a plate that had marvelous looking cheese eggs and this nicely sized, wondrous looking bar of cakey chocolate (we had been fighting, and this was her way of saying “I’m sorry.”). I looked up at her and smiled. This was going to be the best day ever. I had been working five days and two or three nights a week for the last month or so and Saturday was my first real day off. I was excited.

She took me by the hand and we went and sat on our giant beanbag couch. Yes. We have a giant beanbag for a couch. Yes. It’s that awesome. Then we ate, smiles on both our faces, anticipating a nice day with vivid colors, crisp autumn winds, and the kind rustling of fall leaves.

Then time stopped. Literally. I was smiling serenely one moment and the next I looking around the world, able to see and feel the space around me. It was like being a superhero with super speed. Each step I took felt like I was actually walking through space and time. I was thinking everything and nothing at the same time. I knew the secrets to the universe but I couldn’t tell a soul because they couldn’t understand me if I tried telling them. It’s not that they couldn’t handle it, I just was slurring my speech that badly.

After making a few quick laps around the pad, I laid back down on the giant beanbag of awesomeness and put my hands together and thought. I thought about a few things here and there. In the midst of my thoughts, my girlfriend picked my arm up and dropped. Then she did it again and again. Then she pulled me towards her and laughed. Then she told me I was like a teddy bear. Then, for the next hour or so, I thought about what it would be like to be a teddy bear.

Then I looked at my watch and two hours had passed by. I looked back and my girlfriend was there no longer. She had moved to the bedroom. I went after her. She looked so peaceful, like an angel resting on a mattress made of clouds. I gently roused her from her slumber and we decided it was time to eat.

Then time lapsed again and before me lay two corndogs, a spicy chicken taquito, and vitamin enhanced water. Why did I get vitamin enhanced water? I’m not so sure myself, but I must have been trying to be health conscious. When did I go to 7-11? I have no freaking clue.

And just as quickly as the food appeared, it vanished, leaving an unseemly trail of crumbs from the floor to my mouth. I turned to my girlfriend and she was gone yet again. Nobody can ever say she has no talents. She’s apparently a fucking ninja. This time I found her sleeping yet again. This time in a fortress made of pillows. I shit you not, there were 7. Seven pillows surrounding her completely.

Then, without warning and lots of bombast, my cellphone vibrated its way to the floor with an impressive crash. I picked it up, and stared at it. I spent the next couple of eons trying to figure out why the 7 and 9 buttons each had four letter options while every other number had 3. I just couldn’t make sense of it. After a good while, I checked the actual message filled with “a-HA” moments and their subsequent recalls, I gave it one last try. I got all the way to the end of the message, heard something in the other room and left my phone, eerie blow glow lighting the 10:30 pm darkness.

My buddy had sent me a text message. It read.

(518): Do you remember humming the mission impossible theme that time we ran from the cops?

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