Complaints Don't Make Good Bait According to Jesus

Religion is a funny thing. It’s controversial, it’s taboo, and if it’s got any truth to it, there’s some invisible giant dude with a damn impressive beard watching over all of us all the time; and killing an exorbitant amount of kittens depending on who you talk to. Now, whether this is a good or bad thing, depends on your perspective. It’s either pretty freaking awesome or really bloody creepy. I’m some where in the middle of the two, but as long as he doesn’t tell the cops what’s in my cup, we’re golden. My buddy Joey has a similar take on it, except for when it comes to Jesus. I like to think Jesus was an enlightened individual who rocked a jewfro, was good with puppies, and probably invented Birkenstocks. Joey likes to believe that he is the Lord made manifest and is not a fan of suede clogs. Sometimes, when he’s had a little too much, he’ll stand up for “Jesus’ honor,” his words not mine. It’s a little weird, but it hasn’t stopped us from drinking together. I like to think of it as an endearing quirk.

In any case, we were at the bar last Friday when a trio of women came over to our table and started talking the two of us up. Within half a minute it became clear that Joey was their target, and the mastermind behind the plan was the shortest of the three. She was flashing him smiles as her friends laughed at her jokes and slyly slipped in appealing facts here and there. A well coordinated wingwoman strategy. The girl even did the whole tongue-straw thing, which is admittedly pretty hot, but my girlfriend’s better at it.

What should have been like shooting fish in a barrel ended in a moment of stunned silence that I will tell and retell until my dying breath. Her every effort seemed to flail and fail on Joey’s command. Even though his bed had been a solo show for the last seven months he was having none of it. I couldn’t understand. She wasn’t exactly his type, but he’d never been picky before. Suddenly she got whiney. Not whiney as in she started-bitching-about-her-day whiney. She was whiney in that way women are, and she started complaining about her physical attributes. That’s when it happened. As if he were the hand of God itself, Joey acted with Biblical swiftness.

After the dust settled, I sent the following text to our other buddy who got stuck working the graveyard shift.



(314): She said her tits were too big. Then he slapped her and said that Jesus didn’t appreciate bitches that fish for compliments.